So this weekend I actually had my cousin come in to town and I hate to say it but she is really fat. She has always been overweight but I haven’t seen her in almost a year and in that time she has really put on a significant amount of weight. She’s only 22 years old, just graduated college and now looks to weight over 250 pounds. I can just feel how unhappy she is with her life. It’s in everything she does, from the way she walks to the clothes she wears. It is like she tries to make herself as unnoticeable as possible. She is so smart and very beautiful but I know that she doesn’t feel good about herself and it breaks my heart.
I know that I have never been that big, but I can certainly identify with all of those feelings. Seeing her really touched something in me. On the one hand it made me feel somewhat selfish and vain in that I harp so much about my body and being unhappy when in reality I’m healthy and I look fine. On the other hand I also felt an overwhelming sense of fear and denial. I don’t ever want to be in the place she is now. Mentally I’ve been close and even though right now things aren’t perfect and I’ve been sliding, I certainly feel so much more in control of my life and my body than I have in the past.
I guess in a way seeing my cousin was like looking into some sort of a mirror. I’ve worked so hard to move away from where she is and it was like a reminder of how far I’ve come and also why I don’t ever want to go back. Seeing how insecure and unhappy she is really makes me want to talk to her about it, but it is always a tense subject. I know she’s not ready right now to make any changes in her life and when it comes to you weight if you don’t really commit, if it isn’t you deciding to make the change, nothing will work. I don’t want to add any pressure or make her feel like I’m judging her. I just want to make sure that I’m there for her when she does decide for herself to want more.
We went out for drinks and dinner on Friday and seeing how people reacted to her really got to me. People either completely ignored her or you could see disapproval, pity or even disgust in their eyes. I don’t even think I can blame them because this is the world we live in and basically her weight is limiting how people see her and the experiences she’s having.
I’m usually out with my girlfriends, all of whom are significantly thinner than me, so, big or not, I’m always the “biggest” girl. Having it not be that way gave me an different perspective. As I at times will see someone else’s body and wish I looked like that I know that my cousin would gladly be my size. It is just part of the natural tendency to always compare to those thinner, richer, prettier, etc. I guess sometimes it’s just nice to stop and realize the things that you already have going for yourself and not worry so much about what you don’t have. When you stop comparing, even for just a minute, it’s such a relief and though it will only be a short matter of time before it starts again, for that one moment you realize, you’re really not all that bad.
Okay, so I don’t think I’ve done any further damage since I’ve last written, however, there has certainly not been a leap of progress. I think all the damage I’ve done has now completely shown up and things are not looking good. This past Saturday I was getting ready to go out and had a fashion crisis, of course followed by mini mental breakdown. Why? Because as I was trying different things on, clothes just weren’t fitting and I wasn’t feeling comfortable in anything I owned. All I wanted to do was throw on a tent-like top to just hide under. I hadn’t felt that way for so long and I really had forgotten how bad it really does feel.
Then I remember thinking to myself, ‘I just don’t know what to do.’ But the thing is I do know. I know that I have to make working out a habit and priority again and that two days with Terri just isn’t enough. Two days can only undo so much! I also know that I have to eat better. I know that I can’t go out to dinner three-four nights a week and have appetizer, entree and dessert and not see any adverse effects on my body. There are certainly people that can eat all they want, from McDonalds to cheesecake and they never gain weight, but I already know that I’m not one of those people!
So I guess I really have to get back to basics and remember all the things I’ve already learned that I seemed to have taken a vacation from. It’s funny because when you really think about it, losing weight it actually quite simple. All you need is to burn more calories than you take in, it isn’t complex, I mean we aren’t dealing with rocket science. However, for something so simple it is amazingly hard.
Really I’ve just been failing several times a day every day with all the poor choices I’ve been making. So I’ve decided, at least for the meantime, I need to give myself a little more structure and less choice when it comes to what I put into my body. I started this eating program today that has really worked for me in the past. It certainly takes more time and planning and effort, but the structure does make things easier to succeed.
So anyway, day one of this has gone okay, but I’m definitely taking it slow. I know I really have to put all my heart and soul into this because bit by bit I’m starting to experience things I’d hoped were firmly a part of my past. I also know I have all the tools I need to be successful and get back to where I want to be. I know the how and I have definitely remembered the why, so now I just have to do it.
There’s alot to go through when you’re a trainer :) We take our jobs seriously - we can give you the tools, the info, the road map, the encouragement - but there’s one thing we can’t do…we can’t make ‘motivation’ happen INSIDE THE MIND of a client. Oh I could easily take the route that, ‘There’s hell to pay…if….” and mete out awful consequences… and I use that one sparingly hehehe, but it’s what I call a ‘temp tool’ it gets a particular workout to the finish line…but that ‘motivational’ tactic only works in, and for, the short run.
The thing that sticks forever is what you’ll see in this blog. When someone wrestles with themselves internally and starts making choices that take them one tiny step closer at a time, you know that real, lasting lifelong behavioral decisons are being made. And miss ClientA should know how damn proud I am of her. There are alot of people like ClientA, and the decision to be happy in no way means the decison to be perfect.
Keep on fighting. You’re getting there. posted by TWTNYC
Okay, so I faced it, I have gained six pounds. This is not the end of the world. I mean, it seemed like it a few days ago, but since then I have gotten back on track and feel like it will only be a short time before I shed those measly pounds. I worked out both Monday and Tuesday and actually lifted on my own. It has been ages since I’ve done that, but I really pushed myself and have the resulting soreness today to prove it.
I’ve also been taking care to eat a lot better too. It was 4th of July weekend, so I didn’t create any ridiculous and overzealous rules for myself. I was realistic and set eating goals I could achieve and feel good about, because god knows, I was on a slippery slope and setting myself up for failure would have been disastrous. Now I feel much more in control of things and that I’ve gotten myself back on track.
It really is funny, though, what a difference a couple of work outs makes. I know that working out two days in a row and eating better isn’t going to magically take off the recent weight I’ve gained, but it has put my head in the place it needs to be. I mean, I was walking around the city the other day in this cute dress, but all I could think off was how awful I felt and how upset I was that I had let myself slide back. I can honestly say that I felt horrible about myself and was mentally getting to a place where I hadn’t been in months and a place I never wanted to be again. So really, it isn’t the six pounds, tighter pants or an extra roll on my tummy that is motivating me. It is the fact that I really just get so unhappy when I’m not in control of my weight. I lose all confidence, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t even want anyone to see me. It truly is miserable. I’m just too young to waste so much time being unhappy about something I can actually control. So anyway, that is my motivation and anytime I don’t feel like going to the gym or eating a second helping of anything I need to remember I’m making a choice- and I choose to be happy.