Personal Training NYC ClientA

So I really felt like I had made some progress the past two weeks. It wasn’t huge, but I was starting to feel more more comfortable in my body again. Even just two days ago, while this week hadn’t been going great, I thought I could still salvage. Now I just feel depressed. I’m not sure why I keep eating so much. It’s like I know exactly what I need to do to succeed, but then I do the exact opposite. Do I maybe really not want to lose weight? I mean I literally am asking myself this question despite the fact that I am so miserable and uncomfortable at my current size. Do I want to be miserable and uncomfortable? I honestly just can’t seem to figure out why I keep sabotaging myself. It just seems like for every tiny, miniscule half step forward, I take a huge leap back the other way.

I think back to how good I felt and how happy I was with my body even just a few months ago in May. I’m actually jealous of myself! I’m envious of that person who was on the right path, had made a lot of tough sacrifices and was seeing it all pay off. What happened?! I know it is going to take time to get back there and I really have accepted that, but this constant digging myself deeper thing just has to stop. I am so frustrated at myself because I keep making things worse and then I put more pressure on and then it is worse still. So maybe I’m having a bad day and this is certainly a bad moment, but it just sucks when you finally realize you are your own worst enemy.

So, nothing entirely new to report. Last weekend I went to Florida which was great and I definitely tried to just enjoy myself and not harp on how discontent I was in a bikini. I’m really just trying to accept the work that must be done and not worry every second about progress or lack there of.

Overall, though, I think last week was good. I definitely ate a lot better and despite being on a mini-vacation, I wasn’t awful (yes, small goals). This week has been okay, not great, but I guess not horrible either. I feel like I was kind of getting back into a groove with working out but unfortunately this week has thrown that a bit off course. I saw Terri on Monday but work has been so busy and stressful that I haven’t worked out since. On top of that I had a client dinner at Sparks last night and again, while I wasn’t horrible, these sorts of things certainly don’t help speed things along. However, I have to be realistic and when going to those sorts of restaurants, which I certainly don’t do all that regularly, you have to just enjoy yourself. I mean, I definitely didn’t just throw all caution to the wind and order the most fatty stuff on the menu, but I did eat my bread and appetizer and entree and dessert (though just berries which I thought was quite good of me!).

I’m also thinking that it is also only Thursday, so I still have four more days to turn this in to a good week and roll that into next week. I guess right now I need to figure out a way to stay on track when work is crazy. I’ve never really been able to get up in the morning and exercise before work, but it seems like these days that really might be the only way I can garauntee that I will actually make it to the work outs I’m supposed to. Basically, I have to come up with something becuause the way things stand now, while I can certainly fix my eating, my working out habits are definitely not where I want them to be. I know there will be periods of time where this happens, when my schedule makes it tougher to do what I need to, so I have to come up with a plan to handle these times so I don’t get discouraged and fall off the bandwagon!

You know it’s not going to be a good day when you arrive to work wearing the exact same dress as your colleague. You realize it is going to be a terrible day when said dress is a size 12 on you and a size zero on her. On top of that your own size twelve is snug, her size zero is fashionably loose. Because really, this is exactly what I need right now.

So now I have to traipse around work and attend cocktails afterwards standing side by side with super thin girl. This is literally my worst nightmare. The good mental place that I was in has effectively been air raided and now I feel awful about myself and how fat I’ve let myself become. I honestly want to go home and change because I don’t think I could feel more miserable in an outfit than I do right at this moment.

The worst thing is, I had promised myself that I would never get to a point where I would have to feel this way again. Yet I did. There’s no going back now, but it just sucks to realize that I’m going to have to feel this way for a while- at least until I get my body back into a place where I feel comfortable, where I feel like me.

Okay, so my earlier post, with the whole, I’ve had my fun, it’s okay, now back to work spiel, may have been slightly overdone.

I have just gotten back from a spin class (yes this is definite progress), however, reality has finally been faced and I can admit that I have dug a deeper hole for myself than I had initially realized. I’d like to blame this on a “fat mirror” or some trick of the light, however, glancing in the mirror upon leaving the spin class, the truth hit me- I am HUGE! On top of that my head looked like a giant watermelon. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have a large head, I’ve come to accept this. My hair is also very dirty and was plastered to my head in an unflattering manner. However, the fact remains my face looks like a big round pie plate. I’m still on the okay, had fun over summer bandwagon, especially since nothing can be done at this point, however, I’m not as happy go lucky about things as a few hours ago.

It’s funny because the closer I am to my ideal weight and body type, the more critical I get. However, when I’ve packed on the pounds, somehow I seem to think things aren’t so bad. Like, instead of thinking about how big my face looks, I think, well, I still fit into my jeans. I simply ignore the fact that fat pours out over the top, I mean let’s face it, I’ll wear a boob shirt. Also, the times I do complain, my friends tell me, what are you talking about, I don’t see it. Are they trying to keep me fatter than them?! Because this is no slight matter. I actually sucked it up and weighed myself and it was a tramatic event. I maintain that the scale is evil, however, it also never tells you what you want to hear. You just get truth, painful, painful truth. My truth is that I am now back to the weight of a medium size man. I am content to weigh as much a small man, but a medium size man is just too much!

So basically my timeframe has changed. This is no, two, three week stint will get me back thing. I’ve faced reality. We are looking at a long, hard, did I mention long, road back. This trip must start immediately because now that I have truly faced the reality of my appearance, I’m appalled. I’ve taken off the rose-tinted glasses that allowed me to somehow think things “weren’t that bad” and fully recognize the damage I’ve done.

I vow, with the maybe two people who read this as witnesses (Terri of course, and some other blogger to see how far behind they are), to post again in one month with glowing reports of progress. Seriously, drastic measures must be taken! I mean, I already have my Halloween outfit (it is my favorite holiday) and I need to get the Halloween body or at least get back down to the size of a small man.

So summer is finally over and with its end comes an end to my excuses. I have just found that in the summer I just work out less, spend more time with friends and eat and drink more. So be it. To cap off another great summer season I went to a wedding over Labor Day weekend and had a great time. This, of course, means that I drank way too much and ate way too much. Again, so be it. I’ve found that at other points in my life I would lament and regret times like these. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve decided that sometimes you really just need to enjoy yourself and not worry so much. So, that is what I did. However, like I said summer is now over and I have to get back to work.

For some reason, I’m actually looking forward to getting back into an eating healthy and working out routine. I’ve definitely slid back a bit and I know that I have to start working really hard to get back to where I was and feel on track and I’m ready to do that. I guess I’ve realized that you have to really understand where you are mentally. Sometimes you really need to exercise your willpower and stop yourself from making loose decisions. However, other times, you just need to enjoy yourself and not worry about every little mistake. Thinking over the past few weeks, I know that if I had tried to get back on my plan not only would I have made myself miserable but I still would have failed. Recognizing that, I let myself really appreciate my “time off” and now I’m mentally ready to get back into things. I think that there are times to push yourself and times to lay off, it has just taken me a really long time to know the difference.

So Wednesday, I get back started with Terri and today I’m going to head out to a spin class (which I actually want to do!) Like I said, I know that I’ve put on some pounds, but I’m definitely okay about it and I have every confidence that even though it will take some time, I can get back to where I want to be. I think that is the biggest difference for me- I know what to do. I’m not going into this thing blind. I know how to get the results I want. I know what different weight lifting routines I can work on and I know Terri will be helping me learn even more. I think at other points in my life, in a similar situation, I would have panicked and felt like I had to see results right away. I would have gotten discouraged and basically made myself miserable. It just makes me so happy to know that those times are over. I have a gameplan, I have a coach and I have the right attitude, so really it’s just a matter of time.