Personal Training NYC ClientA

kay, so I had a really good workout with Terri yesterday. This, of course, was especially important given that I hadn’t worked out once since the last time I saw her, on Monday! I’ve really been in a funk lately and I’m still not quite certain why. Terri thinks that I have a fear of success. I’m not really sure that this is the case because when I look back and see how close I was to reaching my goal, I also remember that at that same time I still felt very far away. It just seems like I never have perspective, I always think I’m so far from where I want to go.

I always seem to motivate myself from an appearance standpoint, but right now I’m not the most miserable about my appearance. More than that I just feel less in shape. Working out with Terri yesterday I could still do the things I could do a few months ago, two sets of 50 push ups, pull ups, etc. But despite that evidence, I still feel out of shape. I guess it is just the outside dictating how I feel inside. Terri says it’s that I don’t look as in shape as I am right now and I guess that is true. It’s just hard to feel very good about the things I can do when I don’t look in shape. I was also looking at old photos from college and beyond and I noticed how up and down I always am. I never have gotten to a place where I honestly look the best I possibly can, I really haven’t even gotten that close. I definitely have these thoughts about how my life would be different if I looked my best, but then I never get there. Maybe it is fear that is stopping me, the fear that if I actually gave 100% and put all my energy into this then either I’d still not make it or nothing would be different. I think at least right now I have something to fall back on that is an excuse for why certain things in my life are the way they are. So it’s almost this tension where I need to finally just make a choice. What do I want/need more, that fallback excuse or pushing myself to live up to my potential?

The thing is, too, that this isn’t just about my appearance, it is more than that. One thing that Terri said that really struck me was about a door. That I keep going down this path and ending up at this door and because I’m not ready to open it I just turn back around. This is so true. It’s like I can get to the point where I work a little bit but then I reach a place where I’d have to really commit myself- that’s my door, that’s my obstacle. To date, I’ve never walked through that door. When I actually think of it like that too, I wonder, well when are you ever going to just walk through? When are you ever going to get to the other side? It has to happen at some point I think, but then again, does it? I probably could live the rest of my life just half-assing it and things would be okay. They would never be great, but they would be just fine. The question is now, is that enough? I’m starting to really think that I want more and I can use this one part of my life to really commit to, to really try at. If I can do it in here then I can do it in other parts of my life.

So anyway, that is where I am right now. I really want to press and push myself to try harder, to not just do the bare minimum and sometimes not even that. I want to know that at least in one part of my life I am all in. I mean, I’ve tried everything else. This would be new, and I’m am definitely nervous and afraid. Even now I have a voice saying, ‘you can’t do this.’ I guess this time I’m going to ignore that voice and say yes, I can.

So I really felt like I had made some progress the past two weeks. It wasn’t huge, but I was starting to feel more more comfortable in my body again. Even just two days ago, while this week hadn’t been going great, I thought I could still salvage. Now I just feel depressed. I’m not sure why I keep eating so much. It’s like I know exactly what I need to do to succeed, but then I do the exact opposite. Do I maybe really not want to lose weight? I mean I literally am asking myself this question despite the fact that I am so miserable and uncomfortable at my current size. Do I want to be miserable and uncomfortable? I honestly just can’t seem to figure out why I keep sabotaging myself. It just seems like for every tiny, miniscule half step forward, I take a huge leap back the other way.

I think back to how good I felt and how happy I was with my body even just a few months ago in May. I’m actually jealous of myself! I’m envious of that person who was on the right path, had made a lot of tough sacrifices and was seeing it all pay off. What happened?! I know it is going to take time to get back there and I really have accepted that, but this constant digging myself deeper thing just has to stop. I am so frustrated at myself because I keep making things worse and then I put more pressure on and then it is worse still. So maybe I’m having a bad day and this is certainly a bad moment, but it just sucks when you finally realize you are your own worst enemy.

You know it’s not going to be a good day when you arrive to work wearing the exact same dress as your colleague. You realize it is going to be a terrible day when said dress is a size 12 on you and a size zero on her. On top of that your own size twelve is snug, her size zero is fashionably loose. Because really, this is exactly what I need right now.

So now I have to traipse around work and attend cocktails afterwards standing side by side with super thin girl. This is literally my worst nightmare. The good mental place that I was in has effectively been air raided and now I feel awful about myself and how fat I’ve let myself become. I honestly want to go home and change because I don’t think I could feel more miserable in an outfit than I do right at this moment.

The worst thing is, I had promised myself that I would never get to a point where I would have to feel this way again. Yet I did. There’s no going back now, but it just sucks to realize that I’m going to have to feel this way for a while- at least until I get my body back into a place where I feel comfortable, where I feel like me.

Okay, so my earlier post, with the whole, I’ve had my fun, it’s okay, now back to work spiel, may have been slightly overdone.

I have just gotten back from a spin class (yes this is definite progress), however, reality has finally been faced and I can admit that I have dug a deeper hole for myself than I had initially realized. I’d like to blame this on a “fat mirror” or some trick of the light, however, glancing in the mirror upon leaving the spin class, the truth hit me- I am HUGE! On top of that my head looked like a giant watermelon. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have a large head, I’ve come to accept this. My hair is also very dirty and was plastered to my head in an unflattering manner. However, the fact remains my face looks like a big round pie plate. I’m still on the okay, had fun over summer bandwagon, especially since nothing can be done at this point, however, I’m not as happy go lucky about things as a few hours ago.

It’s funny because the closer I am to my ideal weight and body type, the more critical I get. However, when I’ve packed on the pounds, somehow I seem to think things aren’t so bad. Like, instead of thinking about how big my face looks, I think, well, I still fit into my jeans. I simply ignore the fact that fat pours out over the top, I mean let’s face it, I’ll wear a boob shirt. Also, the times I do complain, my friends tell me, what are you talking about, I don’t see it. Are they trying to keep me fatter than them?! Because this is no slight matter. I actually sucked it up and weighed myself and it was a tramatic event. I maintain that the scale is evil, however, it also never tells you what you want to hear. You just get truth, painful, painful truth. My truth is that I am now back to the weight of a medium size man. I am content to weigh as much a small man, but a medium size man is just too much!

So basically my timeframe has changed. This is no, two, three week stint will get me back thing. I’ve faced reality. We are looking at a long, hard, did I mention long, road back. This trip must start immediately because now that I have truly faced the reality of my appearance, I’m appalled. I’ve taken off the rose-tinted glasses that allowed me to somehow think things “weren’t that bad” and fully recognize the damage I’ve done.

I vow, with the maybe two people who read this as witnesses (Terri of course, and some other blogger to see how far behind they are), to post again in one month with glowing reports of progress. Seriously, drastic measures must be taken! I mean, I already have my Halloween outfit (it is my favorite holiday) and I need to get the Halloween body or at least get back down to the size of a small man.

So summer is finally over and with its end comes an end to my excuses. I have just found that in the summer I just work out less, spend more time with friends and eat and drink more. So be it. To cap off another great summer season I went to a wedding over Labor Day weekend and had a great time. This, of course, means that I drank way too much and ate way too much. Again, so be it. I’ve found that at other points in my life I would lament and regret times like these. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve decided that sometimes you really just need to enjoy yourself and not worry so much. So, that is what I did. However, like I said summer is now over and I have to get back to work.

For some reason, I’m actually looking forward to getting back into an eating healthy and working out routine. I’ve definitely slid back a bit and I know that I have to start working really hard to get back to where I was and feel on track and I’m ready to do that. I guess I’ve realized that you have to really understand where you are mentally. Sometimes you really need to exercise your willpower and stop yourself from making loose decisions. However, other times, you just need to enjoy yourself and not worry about every little mistake. Thinking over the past few weeks, I know that if I had tried to get back on my plan not only would I have made myself miserable but I still would have failed. Recognizing that, I let myself really appreciate my “time off” and now I’m mentally ready to get back into things. I think that there are times to push yourself and times to lay off, it has just taken me a really long time to know the difference.

So Wednesday, I get back started with Terri and today I’m going to head out to a spin class (which I actually want to do!) Like I said, I know that I’ve put on some pounds, but I’m definitely okay about it and I have every confidence that even though it will take some time, I can get back to where I want to be. I think that is the biggest difference for me- I know what to do. I’m not going into this thing blind. I know how to get the results I want. I know what different weight lifting routines I can work on and I know Terri will be helping me learn even more. I think at other points in my life, in a similar situation, I would have panicked and felt like I had to see results right away. I would have gotten discouraged and basically made myself miserable. It just makes me so happy to know that those times are over. I have a gameplan, I have a coach and I have the right attitude, so really it’s just a matter of time.

So this weekend I actually had my cousin come in to town and I hate to say it but she is really fat. She has always been overweight but I haven’t seen her in almost a year and in that time she has really put on a significant amount of weight. She’s only 22 years old, just graduated college and now looks to weight over 250 pounds. I can just feel how unhappy she is with her life. It’s in everything she does, from the way she walks to the clothes she wears. It is like she tries to make herself as unnoticeable as possible. She is so smart and very beautiful but I know that she doesn’t feel good about herself and it breaks my heart.

I know that I have never been that big, but I can certainly identify with all of those feelings. Seeing her really touched something in me. On the one hand it made me feel somewhat selfish and vain in that I harp so much about my body and being unhappy when in reality I’m healthy and I look fine. On the other hand I also felt an overwhelming sense of fear and denial. I don’t ever want to be in the place she is now. Mentally I’ve been close and even though right now things aren’t perfect and I’ve been sliding, I certainly feel so much more in control of my life and my body than I have in the past.

I guess in a way seeing my cousin was like looking into some sort of a mirror. I’ve worked so hard to move away from where she is and it was like a reminder of how far I’ve come and also why I don’t ever want to go back. Seeing how insecure and unhappy she is really makes me want to talk to her about it, but it is always a tense subject. I know she’s not ready right now to make any changes in her life and when it comes to you weight if you don’t really commit, if it isn’t you deciding to make the change, nothing will work. I don’t want to add any pressure or make her feel like I’m judging her. I just want to make sure that I’m there for her when she does decide for herself to want more.

We went out for drinks and dinner on Friday and seeing how people reacted to her really got to me. People either completely ignored her or you could see disapproval, pity or even disgust in their eyes. I don’t even think I can blame them because this is the world we live in and basically her weight is limiting how people see her and the experiences she’s having.

I’m usually out with my girlfriends, all of whom are significantly thinner than me, so, big or not, I’m always the “biggest” girl. Having it not be that way gave me an different perspective. As I at times will see someone else’s body and wish I looked like that I know that my cousin would gladly be my size. It is just part of the natural tendency to always compare to those thinner, richer, prettier, etc. I guess sometimes it’s just nice to stop and realize the things that you already have going for yourself and not worry so much about what you don’t have. When you stop comparing, even for just a minute, it’s such a relief and though it will only be a short matter of time before it starts again, for that one moment you realize, you’re really not all that bad.

Okay, so I don’t think I’ve done any further damage since I’ve last written, however, there has certainly not been a leap of progress. I think all the damage I’ve done has now completely shown up and things are not looking good. This past Saturday I was getting ready to go out and had a fashion crisis, of course followed by mini mental breakdown. Why? Because as I was trying different things on, clothes just weren’t fitting and I wasn’t feeling comfortable in anything I owned. All I wanted to do was throw on a tent-like top to just hide under. I hadn’t felt that way for so long and I really had forgotten how bad it really does feel.

Then I remember thinking to myself, ‘I just don’t know what to do.’ But the thing is I do know. I know that I have to make working out a habit and priority again and that two days with Terri just isn’t enough. Two days can only undo so much! I also know that I have to eat better. I know that I can’t go out to dinner three-four nights a week and have appetizer, entree and dessert and not see any adverse effects on my body. There are certainly people that can eat all they want, from McDonalds to cheesecake and they never gain weight, but I already know that I’m not one of those people!

So I guess I really have to get back to basics and remember all the things I’ve already learned that I seemed to have taken a vacation from. It’s funny because when you really think about it, losing weight it actually quite simple. All you need is to burn more calories than you take in, it isn’t complex, I mean we aren’t dealing with rocket science. However, for something so simple it is amazingly hard.

Really I’ve just been failing several times a day every day with all the poor choices I’ve been making. So I’ve decided, at least for the meantime, I need to give myself a little more structure and less choice when it comes to what I put into my body. I started this eating program today that has really worked for me in the past. It certainly takes more time and planning and effort, but the structure does make things easier to succeed.

So anyway, day one of this has gone okay, but I’m definitely taking it slow. I know I really have to put all my heart and soul into this because bit by bit I’m starting to experience things I’d hoped were firmly a part of my past. I also know I have all the tools I need to be successful and get back to where I want to be. I know the how and I have definitely remembered the why, so now I just have to do it.

So this past Thursday I ran in the JPM Corporate Challenge. I have never actually participated in a race before, and I never run. To say I hate running would be generous. I was definitely nervous; and not just because it was like 85% humidity. I really wanted to finish and try to run as much as I possibly could.

Having never done a race before I actually lined up at the pace I thought I would run-between the 10 and 12 minute mile. For the record- no one else does this. Even the self-professed walkers were starting at the 7 minute mile so 6 minutes after the starting gun, when I actually got to the starting line, it was more about dodging and weaving through walkers than running. However, as more and more runners turned in to walkers, things started to thin out a bit. There were many times I was getting tired, but instead of resorting to a walk I would just slow down my pace quite a bit, especially for the hills. I’m proud to say I only walked once, and I limited it to only 30 seconds. I finished with a decent time, in my book anyway, and just felt extremely proud to have pretty much run the whole way and not given up.

Three days later, however, I am not so proud of my performance. I went out of town this weekend and basically ate every bad food imaginable. Thinking about it, I realize I haven’t fully committed my time and more important, my energy towards my fitness goals since January. In January, I promised myself that I would be as close to “perfect” as I possibly could. I would make sure I worked out 5 times a week and be very conscious when it came to healthy eating. I also promised myself that if I didn’t see results, I was done. I mean, if I did most everything right and still didn’t see progress, what was the point? However, sure enough, not only did I get my best results to date, but I also felt great. I felt empowered and in control and so happy about my body and my choices. I feel now, that I have slacked off bit by bit since then. One thing it to have a period where I don’t make any forward progress. Another thing is to actually take a step back and start undoing all the hard work I’ve done.

So basically, I need another January. I feel myself getting back into old habits and old mindsets that didn’t make me happy. I need to get back to the gameplan that worked and was working before I started to slack off. For the next four weeks I commit to working out 5 days a week. I commit to eating healthy and making the right choices. I know that this is going to be a lot harder in July than January though. WIth nice weather, more BBQs, more going out, more everything, it is going to take a lot more discipline to make it this time. But, right now, I feel like I’m at a crossroads. I can push through and continue to head towards something I really want or I can continue to slack and get back to where I was, which is a place I don’t want to be. I realize it is not too late. I’ve finally reached the point that in the past I’ve given up, but this time I won’t. Now I know what it takes, I know that it works and I know I have to keep trying.

So after my turning point, mental breakdown, what have you, I definitely feel much more focused and ready again to make some progress. It’s funny because Terri noticed a pattern where I work hard and lose some inches and then don’t lose any at all, so basically for these sessions I’m due. I already have noticed that I’m working out more and things don’t seem as hard and as sluggish as they have been. Well, maybe that’s not entire true.

Last night I was suffering from a severe case of Monday blues as Corporate America has literally sucked the life right out of me. It was one of those days that all I wanted to do was go home and either sleep or watch tv but in either way I was going to feel sorry for myself. Working out would not have been a viable option, except for the fact I had a work out with Terri.

Once I got there I shuffled in and maxed my time changing in the bathroom, unrealistically hoping I could get away with not doing much. I mean I had done a very hard lifting class at my gym on Saturday and I was sore- wouldn’t that buy me a little mercy, a little understanding, a little rest? Short answer: No!

We did a combo of arms and legs and I spent most of the time out of the saddle on the bike. The very second that fatigue would set in and I would relax on my form a bit, Terri was there to point it out and make me correct it. I spent a large portion of my session scowling at her, but then again, as she likes to say I don’t pay her for it to be fun, fun costs more!

But in the end it does end up being fun. We were trying to do these very hard versions of squats but they kept hurting my knee. However, we tried other variations until the only thing hurting was what was supposed to hurt. You gotta love someone who just won’t give up, that is of course, unless it makes you do more squats than you want and then you probably don’t love them that much.

The thing is though, I walked into Terri’s studio feeling miserable with my life and my job and just about everything and when I walked out I felt energized and empowered. Sometimes it is so hard to get there and working out is the last thing you want to do, but in the end it is completely worth it. It’s times like last night that having Terri makes such a difference. There is no option, there is no internal debate about whether or not to go to the gym, because for me, nine times out of ten, when there’s a debate, I just don’t go. I somehow rationalize or come up with a reason that is acceptable to me why I can’t or even shouldn’t work it. With Terri none of these reasons hold water so there is no option, you’re going. So sulk all you want, frown all you want, scowl all you want, in the end, the sweat is on the floor and you’ve had a great work out.

posted by Flab to Fab at Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Measurement day. This really can be the best or worst part of this whole process. I remember fondly my first time, at the end of my first set of sessions. I was so excited to get measured because I jsut knew that I had made progress, I could already see it on my body and I just couldn’t wait to get validated. I had worked really hard and I was ready to hear my results.

That first time was great. To hear about the inches I had lost made me even more motivated to keep going. It was like, “hey, this actually works!” I was so excited.

Fast forward a few months.

The good news is as you keep training with Terri you get in better shape and have less to lose. The bad news is, having less to lose makes it that much harder.

I remember my third measurement. I hadn’t been working out as much, it was around the holidays, etc. Basically, I already knew it wasn’t going to be good, but I still had that glimmer of pipedream hope that miraculously I would have lost all this weight. Stupid, I know, especially since it made it that much more crushing when my measurements pretty much came in as I knew they should. I was miserable. Sure, I still lost and any rational person would have been happy about any progress, but no, I was borderline hysterical. Why? Probably because even though I’m not an obese person I still want those Biggest Loser results. Realistic? Well of course not, but then that’s not the point.

This is when Terri is at her best. She knows how to bring you back to reality. SHe made me realize that progress is good, and huge, unrealistic numbers aren’t putting you on the path to life changing progress. Quick downs, quick ups. Of course, we all know this, I mean it isn’t rocket science, but sometimes having someone tell you things, and forcefully, can finally make you listen and accept.

So for this weigh in I’m nervous. I’ve already seen the progress or really lack of it for the past few weeks and I’m actually scared I might have taken a step back. At this point I just want to get it over with so I can see and know, yes, you ate too much cake and you didn’t make any progress, let’s move on now. Sometimes it’s the waiting taht will kill you.

I’ll let you know how it goes. Hopefully, by the time I write again, I will have gotten my token, “it’s all so hard, I’ll never be thin, life is unfair” whine and cry out of my system…

posted by Flab to Fab at Monday, May 01, 2006