Personal Training NYC ClientA

kay, so I had a really good workout with Terri yesterday. This, of course, was especially important given that I hadn’t worked out once since the last time I saw her, on Monday! I’ve really been in a funk lately and I’m still not quite certain why. Terri thinks that I have a fear of success. I’m not really sure that this is the case because when I look back and see how close I was to reaching my goal, I also remember that at that same time I still felt very far away. It just seems like I never have perspective, I always think I’m so far from where I want to go.

I always seem to motivate myself from an appearance standpoint, but right now I’m not the most miserable about my appearance. More than that I just feel less in shape. Working out with Terri yesterday I could still do the things I could do a few months ago, two sets of 50 push ups, pull ups, etc. But despite that evidence, I still feel out of shape. I guess it is just the outside dictating how I feel inside. Terri says it’s that I don’t look as in shape as I am right now and I guess that is true. It’s just hard to feel very good about the things I can do when I don’t look in shape. I was also looking at old photos from college and beyond and I noticed how up and down I always am. I never have gotten to a place where I honestly look the best I possibly can, I really haven’t even gotten that close. I definitely have these thoughts about how my life would be different if I looked my best, but then I never get there. Maybe it is fear that is stopping me, the fear that if I actually gave 100% and put all my energy into this then either I’d still not make it or nothing would be different. I think at least right now I have something to fall back on that is an excuse for why certain things in my life are the way they are. So it’s almost this tension where I need to finally just make a choice. What do I want/need more, that fallback excuse or pushing myself to live up to my potential?

The thing is, too, that this isn’t just about my appearance, it is more than that. One thing that Terri said that really struck me was about a door. That I keep going down this path and ending up at this door and because I’m not ready to open it I just turn back around. This is so true. It’s like I can get to the point where I work a little bit but then I reach a place where I’d have to really commit myself- that’s my door, that’s my obstacle. To date, I’ve never walked through that door. When I actually think of it like that too, I wonder, well when are you ever going to just walk through? When are you ever going to get to the other side? It has to happen at some point I think, but then again, does it? I probably could live the rest of my life just half-assing it and things would be okay. They would never be great, but they would be just fine. The question is now, is that enough? I’m starting to really think that I want more and I can use this one part of my life to really commit to, to really try at. If I can do it in here then I can do it in other parts of my life.

So anyway, that is where I am right now. I really want to press and push myself to try harder, to not just do the bare minimum and sometimes not even that. I want to know that at least in one part of my life I am all in. I mean, I’ve tried everything else. This would be new, and I’m am definitely nervous and afraid. Even now I have a voice saying, ‘you can’t do this.’ I guess this time I’m going to ignore that voice and say yes, I can.

So I think I actually was pretty good this past weekend. I had to go out to dinner both weekend nights with friends to celebrate various things and while I didn’t restrict myself, I also didn’t go overboard. After talking to Terri the previous week we, okay mainly Terri forcing me to agree, decided that I should cut down on the drinking. Basically it just leads to very bad food choices and all around next morning misery. So with that plan in effect, I just had one glass of wine with dinner on Friday night and a couple of drinks on Saturday. Then, when I got home from being out I just went to bed. I didn’t stuff my face with any left over in the fridge- shocking! I also went to a spin class on Saturday too, despite the fact that I really didn’t want to. So overall, I think the weekend was pretty solid. I’m still definitely not in the place where I love working out and enjoy eat ing well, but hopefully I can get back there.

Also, I actually joined LA Sports Club this weekend as well. Yes, this might be a case of throwing money at a problem, but it has gotten me excited about working out and trying new classes. I feel that I’ve been in a rut for so long that I needed to do something. I’ve also always found that I’m more likely to work out when I have some structure. That’s why it’s so great to see Terri, I know that on her days I will have a great workout and I don’t have to think about it. I’ve had that in the past, where I had an instructor or class I really enjoyed so there was no question that on that day I would go to that class. I need that sort of structure because just hitting up the gym to use the elliptical is not only boring but it is so much easier to just blow off.

I haven’t gone to the Club yet, but there are a lot more pre-work morning classes that I can try which also is great because I’m really not doing it after work. All in all, I think that I might have turned a corner (fingers crossed). I don’t feel great about my attitude, but at least I’m back in the place where I know I have to work out and I actually do. The rest, hopefully, will come back in time as I start to see progress again. There is nothing more motivating than seeing hard work pay off, I just haven’t worked hard in so long I’ve almost forgotten! But really, it’s funny how it works because when I was looking my best, that was when I liked working out the most. It was like seeing constant reinforcement that I was doing a good job and things were working. I really want to have that feeling back so here I start the climb again.

So I really felt like I had made some progress the past two weeks. It wasn’t huge, but I was starting to feel more more comfortable in my body again. Even just two days ago, while this week hadn’t been going great, I thought I could still salvage. Now I just feel depressed. I’m not sure why I keep eating so much. It’s like I know exactly what I need to do to succeed, but then I do the exact opposite. Do I maybe really not want to lose weight? I mean I literally am asking myself this question despite the fact that I am so miserable and uncomfortable at my current size. Do I want to be miserable and uncomfortable? I honestly just can’t seem to figure out why I keep sabotaging myself. It just seems like for every tiny, miniscule half step forward, I take a huge leap back the other way.

I think back to how good I felt and how happy I was with my body even just a few months ago in May. I’m actually jealous of myself! I’m envious of that person who was on the right path, had made a lot of tough sacrifices and was seeing it all pay off. What happened?! I know it is going to take time to get back there and I really have accepted that, but this constant digging myself deeper thing just has to stop. I am so frustrated at myself because I keep making things worse and then I put more pressure on and then it is worse still. So maybe I’m having a bad day and this is certainly a bad moment, but it just sucks when you finally realize you are your own worst enemy.

So, nothing entirely new to report. Last weekend I went to Florida which was great and I definitely tried to just enjoy myself and not harp on how discontent I was in a bikini. I’m really just trying to accept the work that must be done and not worry every second about progress or lack there of.

Overall, though, I think last week was good. I definitely ate a lot better and despite being on a mini-vacation, I wasn’t awful (yes, small goals). This week has been okay, not great, but I guess not horrible either. I feel like I was kind of getting back into a groove with working out but unfortunately this week has thrown that a bit off course. I saw Terri on Monday but work has been so busy and stressful that I haven’t worked out since. On top of that I had a client dinner at Sparks last night and again, while I wasn’t horrible, these sorts of things certainly don’t help speed things along. However, I have to be realistic and when going to those sorts of restaurants, which I certainly don’t do all that regularly, you have to just enjoy yourself. I mean, I definitely didn’t just throw all caution to the wind and order the most fatty stuff on the menu, but I did eat my bread and appetizer and entree and dessert (though just berries which I thought was quite good of me!).

I’m also thinking that it is also only Thursday, so I still have four more days to turn this in to a good week and roll that into next week. I guess right now I need to figure out a way to stay on track when work is crazy. I’ve never really been able to get up in the morning and exercise before work, but it seems like these days that really might be the only way I can garauntee that I will actually make it to the work outs I’m supposed to. Basically, I have to come up with something becuause the way things stand now, while I can certainly fix my eating, my working out habits are definitely not where I want them to be. I know there will be periods of time where this happens, when my schedule makes it tougher to do what I need to, so I have to come up with a plan to handle these times so I don’t get discouraged and fall off the bandwagon!

You know it’s not going to be a good day when you arrive to work wearing the exact same dress as your colleague. You realize it is going to be a terrible day when said dress is a size 12 on you and a size zero on her. On top of that your own size twelve is snug, her size zero is fashionably loose. Because really, this is exactly what I need right now.

So now I have to traipse around work and attend cocktails afterwards standing side by side with super thin girl. This is literally my worst nightmare. The good mental place that I was in has effectively been air raided and now I feel awful about myself and how fat I’ve let myself become. I honestly want to go home and change because I don’t think I could feel more miserable in an outfit than I do right at this moment.

The worst thing is, I had promised myself that I would never get to a point where I would have to feel this way again. Yet I did. There’s no going back now, but it just sucks to realize that I’m going to have to feel this way for a while- at least until I get my body back into a place where I feel comfortable, where I feel like me.

Okay, so my earlier post, with the whole, I’ve had my fun, it’s okay, now back to work spiel, may have been slightly overdone.

I have just gotten back from a spin class (yes this is definite progress), however, reality has finally been faced and I can admit that I have dug a deeper hole for myself than I had initially realized. I’d like to blame this on a “fat mirror” or some trick of the light, however, glancing in the mirror upon leaving the spin class, the truth hit me- I am HUGE! On top of that my head looked like a giant watermelon. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have a large head, I’ve come to accept this. My hair is also very dirty and was plastered to my head in an unflattering manner. However, the fact remains my face looks like a big round pie plate. I’m still on the okay, had fun over summer bandwagon, especially since nothing can be done at this point, however, I’m not as happy go lucky about things as a few hours ago.

It’s funny because the closer I am to my ideal weight and body type, the more critical I get. However, when I’ve packed on the pounds, somehow I seem to think things aren’t so bad. Like, instead of thinking about how big my face looks, I think, well, I still fit into my jeans. I simply ignore the fact that fat pours out over the top, I mean let’s face it, I’ll wear a boob shirt. Also, the times I do complain, my friends tell me, what are you talking about, I don’t see it. Are they trying to keep me fatter than them?! Because this is no slight matter. I actually sucked it up and weighed myself and it was a tramatic event. I maintain that the scale is evil, however, it also never tells you what you want to hear. You just get truth, painful, painful truth. My truth is that I am now back to the weight of a medium size man. I am content to weigh as much a small man, but a medium size man is just too much!

So basically my timeframe has changed. This is no, two, three week stint will get me back thing. I’ve faced reality. We are looking at a long, hard, did I mention long, road back. This trip must start immediately because now that I have truly faced the reality of my appearance, I’m appalled. I’ve taken off the rose-tinted glasses that allowed me to somehow think things “weren’t that bad” and fully recognize the damage I’ve done.

I vow, with the maybe two people who read this as witnesses (Terri of course, and some other blogger to see how far behind they are), to post again in one month with glowing reports of progress. Seriously, drastic measures must be taken! I mean, I already have my Halloween outfit (it is my favorite holiday) and I need to get the Halloween body or at least get back down to the size of a small man.

There’s alot to go through when you’re a trainer :) We take our jobs seriously - we can give you the tools, the info, the road map, the encouragement - but there’s one thing we can’t do…we can’t make ‘motivation’ happen INSIDE THE MIND of a client. Oh I could easily take the route that, ‘There’s hell to pay…if….” and mete out awful consequences… and I use that one sparingly hehehe, but it’s what I call a ‘temp tool’ it gets a particular workout to the finish line…but that ‘motivational’ tactic only works in, and for, the short run.

The thing that sticks forever is what you’ll see in this blog. When someone wrestles with themselves internally and starts making choices that take them one tiny step closer at a time, you know that real, lasting lifelong behavioral decisons are being made. And miss ClientA should know how damn proud I am of her. There are alot of people like ClientA, and the decision to be happy in no way means the decison to be perfect.

Keep on fighting. You’re getting there. posted by TWTNYC

So I went to a work event last night and got a rocket size load of inspiration and motivation by the ridiculously flat and toned abs of Beyonce. I was standing about three feet away from her during her entire concert at this charity event and all I have to say is that she looked amazing. Her legs were completely toned and when she did her signature booty shake, let’s just say, there wasn’t much shaking. Her stomach looked rock hard, but still looked feminine and sexy. All I can really say is, “wow!”

However, pretty much all celebrities have pretty fantastic figures, but for some reason seeing Beyonce looking so fit really inspired me. I think she comes across as a person that isn’t just genetically blessed (I mean aside from a beautiful face and incredible voice, that is). It looks like she really does have to work out and made the right choices to have a body like that. As fit and toned as she looked on stage, there is no way she has achieved that without many long, hard hours in the gym. Sure, it is almost her job to look good, but the point is that she has to work at it and she has been working at it. It is by far the best I think she’s ever looked. Just by seeing her, it made me really want to push myself harder and start getting closer to my best. I know that I have improved my body and my overall fitness a bunch over this past year, but there is so much more I can do. There is so much more progress I can make. Sometimes you just need a very visual and blatant reminder of what it is you are working toward.

So basically, I want those killer abs and I realize that now, thanks to these months training with Terri, I can asnwer the How? Thanks to Beyonce, though, I can remember the Why?

So I had a workout with Terri this morning. I’m really not a morning person so these morning sessions have not been fun, but since I’ve been so busy after work I’ve had to make the sacrifice. The thing is, though, that I really feel so much better heading into my day after working out. I have a ton more energy and am really awake and seem to miss my mid-afternoon crash. With that said, however, I will be happy to go back to my evening times.

So tomorrow I leave for Acapulco. I am so excited because I desperately need a vacation and I’m almost glad I had the worst day ever today at work becuase now I’ll appreciate the break even more (is that possible). I’ve worked out hte last three days, two days with Terri and one on my own, and I kind of feel like I’m on a roll. Sure its only three days, but mentally I feel like I’m getting back into things. So, with vacation coming up I really would like to work out while I’m down there. I’m setting a goal of hitting the gym a minimum of three times while I’m down there. I think that if I can make that happen, while on vacation no less, I will really have mentally gotten back to where I need to be.

Also, I’m not dreading being in a bikini and summer is really just starting so I have every incentive to keep focused and make this work.

So, last post for a little while. I guess we’ll see how I did when I get back. posted by Flab to Fab

So at work today, one of my colleagues said I was looked thin and wanted to know what I’d been doing. Yesterday I got a similar comment. Sure, flattery is always nice and compliments are always welcome, but this time I wasn’t just flattered or even pleased but suprised. Mainly by the fact that I’ve completely lost my perspective.

When you are working towards a larger, long term goal it is so easy to get caught up in the the day to day and harp on small mistakes. For instance today- I have on a pair of khaki pants and all morning all I could think about was how fat I thought I looked. The only thing that saved me from being totally unhappy with my look is a great pair of gold shoes I got on sale, but I digress. Basically, I’ve been thinking about this all morning, that I look fat, especially going outside and seeing all these “thin” people in their “tiny” outfits. I’ve been thinking about the times I didn’t go to the gym, and that extra cookie I ate on this day, the second helping on that day, etc.

But then I get a reality check from an unexpected source. One sincerely given compliment made me shake myself and step back a bit. Instead of thinking about all the things I’ve done wrong and didn’t do I should be congratulating myself on the progress I’ve made and all the positive things. Or, even better, maybe I should just stop thinking about it altogether!

I mean, every morning as I get dressed I pass by my full length mirror and inevitably I start to take things in with a critical eye. Does my thigh look bigger, does my back seem to have more fat, didn’t my butt look smaller a couple of weeks ago and on and on. Basically it is driving me crazy. I’m constantly checking myself and watching for lack of progress or setbacks. The thing is, I know that by expecting these things I will probably end up making them happen. So, starting today, I’m shutting off the INSANE girl part of my brain. Yes, this is easier said than done, but as a fairly well adjusted person (usually), I have confidence that I can quiet, if not completely silence that insecure, annoying, about to drive me crazy little voice in my head that is almost waiting for me to fail.

They always that “you” are your worst opponent. I guess I’m just finally deciding that my opponent is a bitch and it’s about time she shut up. posted by Flab to Fab