Personal Training NYC ClientA

kay, so I had a really good workout with Terri yesterday. This, of course, was especially important given that I hadn’t worked out once since the last time I saw her, on Monday! I’ve really been in a funk lately and I’m still not quite certain why. Terri thinks that I have a fear of success. I’m not really sure that this is the case because when I look back and see how close I was to reaching my goal, I also remember that at that same time I still felt very far away. It just seems like I never have perspective, I always think I’m so far from where I want to go.

I always seem to motivate myself from an appearance standpoint, but right now I’m not the most miserable about my appearance. More than that I just feel less in shape. Working out with Terri yesterday I could still do the things I could do a few months ago, two sets of 50 push ups, pull ups, etc. But despite that evidence, I still feel out of shape. I guess it is just the outside dictating how I feel inside. Terri says it’s that I don’t look as in shape as I am right now and I guess that is true. It’s just hard to feel very good about the things I can do when I don’t look in shape. I was also looking at old photos from college and beyond and I noticed how up and down I always am. I never have gotten to a place where I honestly look the best I possibly can, I really haven’t even gotten that close. I definitely have these thoughts about how my life would be different if I looked my best, but then I never get there. Maybe it is fear that is stopping me, the fear that if I actually gave 100% and put all my energy into this then either I’d still not make it or nothing would be different. I think at least right now I have something to fall back on that is an excuse for why certain things in my life are the way they are. So it’s almost this tension where I need to finally just make a choice. What do I want/need more, that fallback excuse or pushing myself to live up to my potential?

The thing is, too, that this isn’t just about my appearance, it is more than that. One thing that Terri said that really struck me was about a door. That I keep going down this path and ending up at this door and because I’m not ready to open it I just turn back around. This is so true. It’s like I can get to the point where I work a little bit but then I reach a place where I’d have to really commit myself- that’s my door, that’s my obstacle. To date, I’ve never walked through that door. When I actually think of it like that too, I wonder, well when are you ever going to just walk through? When are you ever going to get to the other side? It has to happen at some point I think, but then again, does it? I probably could live the rest of my life just half-assing it and things would be okay. They would never be great, but they would be just fine. The question is now, is that enough? I’m starting to really think that I want more and I can use this one part of my life to really commit to, to really try at. If I can do it in here then I can do it in other parts of my life.

So anyway, that is where I am right now. I really want to press and push myself to try harder, to not just do the bare minimum and sometimes not even that. I want to know that at least in one part of my life I am all in. I mean, I’ve tried everything else. This would be new, and I’m am definitely nervous and afraid. Even now I have a voice saying, ‘you can’t do this.’ I guess this time I’m going to ignore that voice and say yes, I can.

So I think I actually was pretty good this past weekend. I had to go out to dinner both weekend nights with friends to celebrate various things and while I didn’t restrict myself, I also didn’t go overboard. After talking to Terri the previous week we, okay mainly Terri forcing me to agree, decided that I should cut down on the drinking. Basically it just leads to very bad food choices and all around next morning misery. So with that plan in effect, I just had one glass of wine with dinner on Friday night and a couple of drinks on Saturday. Then, when I got home from being out I just went to bed. I didn’t stuff my face with any left over in the fridge- shocking! I also went to a spin class on Saturday too, despite the fact that I really didn’t want to. So overall, I think the weekend was pretty solid. I’m still definitely not in the place where I love working out and enjoy eat ing well, but hopefully I can get back there.

Also, I actually joined LA Sports Club this weekend as well. Yes, this might be a case of throwing money at a problem, but it has gotten me excited about working out and trying new classes. I feel that I’ve been in a rut for so long that I needed to do something. I’ve also always found that I’m more likely to work out when I have some structure. That’s why it’s so great to see Terri, I know that on her days I will have a great workout and I don’t have to think about it. I’ve had that in the past, where I had an instructor or class I really enjoyed so there was no question that on that day I would go to that class. I need that sort of structure because just hitting up the gym to use the elliptical is not only boring but it is so much easier to just blow off.

I haven’t gone to the Club yet, but there are a lot more pre-work morning classes that I can try which also is great because I’m really not doing it after work. All in all, I think that I might have turned a corner (fingers crossed). I don’t feel great about my attitude, but at least I’m back in the place where I know I have to work out and I actually do. The rest, hopefully, will come back in time as I start to see progress again. There is nothing more motivating than seeing hard work pay off, I just haven’t worked hard in so long I’ve almost forgotten! But really, it’s funny how it works because when I was looking my best, that was when I liked working out the most. It was like seeing constant reinforcement that I was doing a good job and things were working. I really want to have that feeling back so here I start the climb again.

So I really felt like I had made some progress the past two weeks. It wasn’t huge, but I was starting to feel more more comfortable in my body again. Even just two days ago, while this week hadn’t been going great, I thought I could still salvage. Now I just feel depressed. I’m not sure why I keep eating so much. It’s like I know exactly what I need to do to succeed, but then I do the exact opposite. Do I maybe really not want to lose weight? I mean I literally am asking myself this question despite the fact that I am so miserable and uncomfortable at my current size. Do I want to be miserable and uncomfortable? I honestly just can’t seem to figure out why I keep sabotaging myself. It just seems like for every tiny, miniscule half step forward, I take a huge leap back the other way.

I think back to how good I felt and how happy I was with my body even just a few months ago in May. I’m actually jealous of myself! I’m envious of that person who was on the right path, had made a lot of tough sacrifices and was seeing it all pay off. What happened?! I know it is going to take time to get back there and I really have accepted that, but this constant digging myself deeper thing just has to stop. I am so frustrated at myself because I keep making things worse and then I put more pressure on and then it is worse still. So maybe I’m having a bad day and this is certainly a bad moment, but it just sucks when you finally realize you are your own worst enemy.

So, nothing entirely new to report. Last weekend I went to Florida which was great and I definitely tried to just enjoy myself and not harp on how discontent I was in a bikini. I’m really just trying to accept the work that must be done and not worry every second about progress or lack there of.

Overall, though, I think last week was good. I definitely ate a lot better and despite being on a mini-vacation, I wasn’t awful (yes, small goals). This week has been okay, not great, but I guess not horrible either. I feel like I was kind of getting back into a groove with working out but unfortunately this week has thrown that a bit off course. I saw Terri on Monday but work has been so busy and stressful that I haven’t worked out since. On top of that I had a client dinner at Sparks last night and again, while I wasn’t horrible, these sorts of things certainly don’t help speed things along. However, I have to be realistic and when going to those sorts of restaurants, which I certainly don’t do all that regularly, you have to just enjoy yourself. I mean, I definitely didn’t just throw all caution to the wind and order the most fatty stuff on the menu, but I did eat my bread and appetizer and entree and dessert (though just berries which I thought was quite good of me!).

I’m also thinking that it is also only Thursday, so I still have four more days to turn this in to a good week and roll that into next week. I guess right now I need to figure out a way to stay on track when work is crazy. I’ve never really been able to get up in the morning and exercise before work, but it seems like these days that really might be the only way I can garauntee that I will actually make it to the work outs I’m supposed to. Basically, I have to come up with something becuause the way things stand now, while I can certainly fix my eating, my working out habits are definitely not where I want them to be. I know there will be periods of time where this happens, when my schedule makes it tougher to do what I need to, so I have to come up with a plan to handle these times so I don’t get discouraged and fall off the bandwagon!

You know it’s not going to be a good day when you arrive to work wearing the exact same dress as your colleague. You realize it is going to be a terrible day when said dress is a size 12 on you and a size zero on her. On top of that your own size twelve is snug, her size zero is fashionably loose. Because really, this is exactly what I need right now.

So now I have to traipse around work and attend cocktails afterwards standing side by side with super thin girl. This is literally my worst nightmare. The good mental place that I was in has effectively been air raided and now I feel awful about myself and how fat I’ve let myself become. I honestly want to go home and change because I don’t think I could feel more miserable in an outfit than I do right at this moment.

The worst thing is, I had promised myself that I would never get to a point where I would have to feel this way again. Yet I did. There’s no going back now, but it just sucks to realize that I’m going to have to feel this way for a while- at least until I get my body back into a place where I feel comfortable, where I feel like me.

Okay, so my earlier post, with the whole, I’ve had my fun, it’s okay, now back to work spiel, may have been slightly overdone.

I have just gotten back from a spin class (yes this is definite progress), however, reality has finally been faced and I can admit that I have dug a deeper hole for myself than I had initially realized. I’d like to blame this on a “fat mirror” or some trick of the light, however, glancing in the mirror upon leaving the spin class, the truth hit me- I am HUGE! On top of that my head looked like a giant watermelon. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have a large head, I’ve come to accept this. My hair is also very dirty and was plastered to my head in an unflattering manner. However, the fact remains my face looks like a big round pie plate. I’m still on the okay, had fun over summer bandwagon, especially since nothing can be done at this point, however, I’m not as happy go lucky about things as a few hours ago.

It’s funny because the closer I am to my ideal weight and body type, the more critical I get. However, when I’ve packed on the pounds, somehow I seem to think things aren’t so bad. Like, instead of thinking about how big my face looks, I think, well, I still fit into my jeans. I simply ignore the fact that fat pours out over the top, I mean let’s face it, I’ll wear a boob shirt. Also, the times I do complain, my friends tell me, what are you talking about, I don’t see it. Are they trying to keep me fatter than them?! Because this is no slight matter. I actually sucked it up and weighed myself and it was a tramatic event. I maintain that the scale is evil, however, it also never tells you what you want to hear. You just get truth, painful, painful truth. My truth is that I am now back to the weight of a medium size man. I am content to weigh as much a small man, but a medium size man is just too much!

So basically my timeframe has changed. This is no, two, three week stint will get me back thing. I’ve faced reality. We are looking at a long, hard, did I mention long, road back. This trip must start immediately because now that I have truly faced the reality of my appearance, I’m appalled. I’ve taken off the rose-tinted glasses that allowed me to somehow think things “weren’t that bad” and fully recognize the damage I’ve done.

I vow, with the maybe two people who read this as witnesses (Terri of course, and some other blogger to see how far behind they are), to post again in one month with glowing reports of progress. Seriously, drastic measures must be taken! I mean, I already have my Halloween outfit (it is my favorite holiday) and I need to get the Halloween body or at least get back down to the size of a small man.

So summer is finally over and with its end comes an end to my excuses. I have just found that in the summer I just work out less, spend more time with friends and eat and drink more. So be it. To cap off another great summer season I went to a wedding over Labor Day weekend and had a great time. This, of course, means that I drank way too much and ate way too much. Again, so be it. I’ve found that at other points in my life I would lament and regret times like these. However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve decided that sometimes you really just need to enjoy yourself and not worry so much. So, that is what I did. However, like I said summer is now over and I have to get back to work.

For some reason, I’m actually looking forward to getting back into an eating healthy and working out routine. I’ve definitely slid back a bit and I know that I have to start working really hard to get back to where I was and feel on track and I’m ready to do that. I guess I’ve realized that you have to really understand where you are mentally. Sometimes you really need to exercise your willpower and stop yourself from making loose decisions. However, other times, you just need to enjoy yourself and not worry about every little mistake. Thinking over the past few weeks, I know that if I had tried to get back on my plan not only would I have made myself miserable but I still would have failed. Recognizing that, I let myself really appreciate my “time off” and now I’m mentally ready to get back into things. I think that there are times to push yourself and times to lay off, it has just taken me a really long time to know the difference.

So Wednesday, I get back started with Terri and today I’m going to head out to a spin class (which I actually want to do!) Like I said, I know that I’ve put on some pounds, but I’m definitely okay about it and I have every confidence that even though it will take some time, I can get back to where I want to be. I think that is the biggest difference for me- I know what to do. I’m not going into this thing blind. I know how to get the results I want. I know what different weight lifting routines I can work on and I know Terri will be helping me learn even more. I think at other points in my life, in a similar situation, I would have panicked and felt like I had to see results right away. I would have gotten discouraged and basically made myself miserable. It just makes me so happy to know that those times are over. I have a gameplan, I have a coach and I have the right attitude, so really it’s just a matter of time.

Okay, so I don’t think I’ve done any further damage since I’ve last written, however, there has certainly not been a leap of progress. I think all the damage I’ve done has now completely shown up and things are not looking good. This past Saturday I was getting ready to go out and had a fashion crisis, of course followed by mini mental breakdown. Why? Because as I was trying different things on, clothes just weren’t fitting and I wasn’t feeling comfortable in anything I owned. All I wanted to do was throw on a tent-like top to just hide under. I hadn’t felt that way for so long and I really had forgotten how bad it really does feel.

Then I remember thinking to myself, ‘I just don’t know what to do.’ But the thing is I do know. I know that I have to make working out a habit and priority again and that two days with Terri just isn’t enough. Two days can only undo so much! I also know that I have to eat better. I know that I can’t go out to dinner three-four nights a week and have appetizer, entree and dessert and not see any adverse effects on my body. There are certainly people that can eat all they want, from McDonalds to cheesecake and they never gain weight, but I already know that I’m not one of those people!

So I guess I really have to get back to basics and remember all the things I’ve already learned that I seemed to have taken a vacation from. It’s funny because when you really think about it, losing weight it actually quite simple. All you need is to burn more calories than you take in, it isn’t complex, I mean we aren’t dealing with rocket science. However, for something so simple it is amazingly hard.

Really I’ve just been failing several times a day every day with all the poor choices I’ve been making. So I’ve decided, at least for the meantime, I need to give myself a little more structure and less choice when it comes to what I put into my body. I started this eating program today that has really worked for me in the past. It certainly takes more time and planning and effort, but the structure does make things easier to succeed.

So anyway, day one of this has gone okay, but I’m definitely taking it slow. I know I really have to put all my heart and soul into this because bit by bit I’m starting to experience things I’d hoped were firmly a part of my past. I also know I have all the tools I need to be successful and get back to where I want to be. I know the how and I have definitely remembered the why, so now I just have to do it.

Okay, so I faced it, I have gained six pounds. This is not the end of the world. I mean, it seemed like it a few days ago, but since then I have gotten back on track and feel like it will only be a short time before I shed those measly pounds. I worked out both Monday and Tuesday and actually lifted on my own. It has been ages since I’ve done that, but I really pushed myself and have the resulting soreness today to prove it.

I’ve also been taking care to eat a lot better too. It was 4th of July weekend, so I didn’t create any ridiculous and overzealous rules for myself. I was realistic and set eating goals I could achieve and feel good about, because god knows, I was on a slippery slope and setting myself up for failure would have been disastrous. Now I feel much more in control of things and that I’ve gotten myself back on track.

It really is funny, though, what a difference a couple of work outs makes. I know that working out two days in a row and eating better isn’t going to magically take off the recent weight I’ve gained, but it has put my head in the place it needs to be. I mean, I was walking around the city the other day in this cute dress, but all I could think off was how awful I felt and how upset I was that I had let myself slide back. I can honestly say that I felt horrible about myself and was mentally getting to a place where I hadn’t been in months and a place I never wanted to be again. So really, it isn’t the six pounds, tighter pants or an extra roll on my tummy that is motivating me. It is the fact that I really just get so unhappy when I’m not in control of my weight. I lose all confidence, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t even want anyone to see me. It truly is miserable. I’m just too young to waste so much time being unhappy about something I can actually control. So anyway, that is my motivation and anytime I don’t feel like going to the gym or eating a second helping of anything I need to remember I’m making a choice- and I choose to be happy.

So this past Thursday I ran in the JPM Corporate Challenge. I have never actually participated in a race before, and I never run. To say I hate running would be generous. I was definitely nervous; and not just because it was like 85% humidity. I really wanted to finish and try to run as much as I possibly could.

Having never done a race before I actually lined up at the pace I thought I would run-between the 10 and 12 minute mile. For the record- no one else does this. Even the self-professed walkers were starting at the 7 minute mile so 6 minutes after the starting gun, when I actually got to the starting line, it was more about dodging and weaving through walkers than running. However, as more and more runners turned in to walkers, things started to thin out a bit. There were many times I was getting tired, but instead of resorting to a walk I would just slow down my pace quite a bit, especially for the hills. I’m proud to say I only walked once, and I limited it to only 30 seconds. I finished with a decent time, in my book anyway, and just felt extremely proud to have pretty much run the whole way and not given up.

Three days later, however, I am not so proud of my performance. I went out of town this weekend and basically ate every bad food imaginable. Thinking about it, I realize I haven’t fully committed my time and more important, my energy towards my fitness goals since January. In January, I promised myself that I would be as close to “perfect” as I possibly could. I would make sure I worked out 5 times a week and be very conscious when it came to healthy eating. I also promised myself that if I didn’t see results, I was done. I mean, if I did most everything right and still didn’t see progress, what was the point? However, sure enough, not only did I get my best results to date, but I also felt great. I felt empowered and in control and so happy about my body and my choices. I feel now, that I have slacked off bit by bit since then. One thing it to have a period where I don’t make any forward progress. Another thing is to actually take a step back and start undoing all the hard work I’ve done.

So basically, I need another January. I feel myself getting back into old habits and old mindsets that didn’t make me happy. I need to get back to the gameplan that worked and was working before I started to slack off. For the next four weeks I commit to working out 5 days a week. I commit to eating healthy and making the right choices. I know that this is going to be a lot harder in July than January though. WIth nice weather, more BBQs, more going out, more everything, it is going to take a lot more discipline to make it this time. But, right now, I feel like I’m at a crossroads. I can push through and continue to head towards something I really want or I can continue to slack and get back to where I was, which is a place I don’t want to be. I realize it is not too late. I’ve finally reached the point that in the past I’ve given up, but this time I won’t. Now I know what it takes, I know that it works and I know I have to keep trying.