Well, here I am, trying to write it down again. Not feeling like going into everything that’s happened in the last few months, but I feel like it’s worth a try to start writing again.
Working out with Terri is basically my therapy. Today we did yoga, which I wasn’t entirely into doing this week, but there it is. I feel terrible about my weight, and it wasn’t really a calorie burning workout, but I guess there’s alway the possiblity of working out on my own. That’ll be the day. What’s stopping me? Is it that I’m lazy? or inhibited? Yes, I think that’s it. Very inhibited and anxious. Like shopping. My anxiety shoots through the roof. I’m never good at shopping. I spend money on clothes and shoes I end up never wearing.
Oh, I am so down on myself now. My parents are coming in this weekend. And I’m fat. And I have nothing to wear. Ugh!
I’ll go to yoga tomorrow and shopping after. Oh I can’t wait.
I’m going to go make up the pushups I “missed” at Terri’s.
xo
I resolved to drag my ass out of bed to get to Terri this morning. No more missing morning sessions. My strength seems to be coming back a little. It’s still gonna be a while before I can do pull-ups again, but at least i’m back on the right track. Terri trains body and soul. The by product of becoming stronger physically seems to be growing mentally, emotionally too.
this week i’ve fallen off the wagon. I’ve been eating too much, no control at all. Last week I did really well, scheduling meal times and planning what I would eat (or rather, letting Nukitchen plan it, and but not eating more than that, or not eating their dinner, and making me own, without the usual constant post-dinner snacking.
I managed to get a workout in Wednesday morning — another shocking accomplishment for me. I HATE going to the gym — not because I don’t like working out. Once I get there, I love working out (well, maybe not love.) I just really hate the part that involves the existence of are other people. But I also like it. It’s depressing to work out alone.
Today I’ve decided (I didn’t say “I’m going to try,” which is sure failure for me) to not overeat, but to exercise some restraint and decisiveness and responsibility today. So, for breakfast I had some fruit and a Soy Boy Okara Courage Burger (130 cal, 13 g. protein). Nukitchen this morning was a scone and fruit, which I tossed because it had butter (no dairy) and eggs (pasture-raised organic only.) Nukitchen isn’t great if you’re vegetarian. It’s hard to find choices without dairy or eggs. If I make a schedule, it’s much easier not to waffle and break down. Terri said I’ve probably grown out of Nukitchen. I think she’s right.
I’ve had fish a few times since my utah trip (i.e. the “sheep kill.” read all about it www.boss-inc.com. It’s really hard to be vegetarian if you want, for example, to be with people, so the occasional seafood feels ok at the moment.
I really want a Smart Treat Everything Chip cookie right now. they’re insanely good, notwithstanding the fact that they are vegan. Most vegan sweets are disgusting, like curried tempeh (my Nukitchen lunch today), but these are unfortunately delicious. One small cookie has 70 cal (which would be fine if they didn’t come in a container of 6), and the large has 210. Half a meal…. (but 6 g. of protein, woo hoo) http://smarttreat.com/details.php?cat=2&sub=3&itm=39
just trying to see if it works. i posted a long one earlier today, and it disappeared in the transition process. here goes.