This was my second week with Terri. I’m sore and tired, but very happy. I love her. She’s kicking my butt (in a good way), but she’s also making me think.
I’m a little concerned that I’m getting a cold, but I’m hoping it’s just my body adjusting to the new physical activity, and that I need to sleep better.
Last week I started getting weekday meals from NuKitchen delivered to my office (bf, lunch, 2 snacks mon-fri). It is a huge extravagance for me (not to mention slightly embarrassing to have to pick up the cooler from the front desk every morning), but it’s just for this month until I leave for my Utah wilderness survival course. Terri urged me to develop an organized eating plan immediately because my eating habits would undermine all of my goals – to have energy, to develop physical stamina, to effectively prepare for the trip, to stop my pattern of losing and gaining weight. The last one — that’s the fun one.
In the last 3 years, I have weighed everything in between 102 and 148. I recently lost about 10 pounds, and over the past month and a half, I gained back half of it because I have no self-control about food. I’m at total extremes with it – I eat everything or nothing. Terri suggested planning meals and eating more during the day. She suggesting I check out Fresh Direct ready-made meals, but the choices are totally overwhelming. (I’m not sure how I manage to do anything sometimes — choices are so hard. ie. what clothes to buy, what music to listen, the result being that I don’t buy enough clothes or listen to enough music, even though both would bring a lot more pleasure.)
It’s crazy shelling out $30 a day to have someone else organize my meals because I’m too retarded to do it myself, but the results are sort of amazing. I’m learning a lot (and I better, because I’m not doing it again.) My usual habit of eating not enough or badly during the day, and then too much at night, has abruptly stopped. Now, I feel like I’m eating so much during the day (sans guilt) and I’m just not that hungry at night, so I’m not bingeing at home at night, and therefore, not feeling crappy.
I won’t see Terri for a few days. I hope my lazy butt won’t triumph over my will to workout. I don’t want to sit around all weekend. I’ve been working really hard over the last two weeks. I don’t want to lose it by being lazy. It makes me feel strong and capable and like I have some tiny amount of control in what I usually feel is my chaotic messy life. I’m tired and sore, and my throat’s a little scratchy, but I’m satisfied, like I’m on the right path. I so desperately want to be on the right path and stay on it.