Working out with Terri is basically my therapy. Today we did yoga, which I wasn’t entirely into doing this week, but there it is. I feel terrible about my weight, and it wasn’t really a calorie burning workout, but I guess there’s alway the possiblity of working out on my own. That’ll be the day. What’s stopping me? Is it that I’m lazy? or inhibited? Yes, I think that’s it. Very inhibited and anxious. Like shopping. My anxiety shoots through the roof. I’m never good at shopping. I spend money on clothes and shoes I end up never wearing.

Oh, I am so down on myself now. My parents are coming in this weekend. And I’m fat. And I have nothing to wear. Ugh!

I’ll go to yoga tomorrow and shopping after. Oh I can’t wait.

I’m going to go make up the pushups I “missed” at Terri’s.

xo

I’ll try to keep up with the blog. It probably would be good therapy and a good way to track my progress.

I’m feeling kind of ambivalent about the triathlon. I’ve been dragging my feet about buying a bike. I love the swimming and I like running, although I feel like I might be behind in that - I’m not sure.  Last week the Monday swim and Tuesday run were cancelled. I didn’t go to the Saturday session, which was a bike session for beginners (me.) So now I feel out of it, like I’ve dropped out and it’s hard to go back. I did go to the swim session last night though, and that was good. I didn’t feel so much like everyone had made huge strides in the last two weeks without me, and felt like I could go back. There’s a run tonight. Will I go? I don’t want to. I’m tired. I do want to though. I do. But I don’t - I’ll have to deal with being social, seeing a lot of people I don’t know, who meet and seem to talk to one another easily. It means suppressing my intense desire to run away, not deal with how uncomfortable and retarded I feel, and act like I know how to interact with people. Oh, it’s so fun being me.

I did have a good week, despite switching my sessions constantly. At least I got them in. I also made it to the TNT workouts, so I feel less like a slug.  (TNT is Team in Training, the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s sports training program. I’m signed up for the Westchester Triathlon in September. My first.)

Amazingly, I got myself to Prospect Park yesterday for the group run. When the alarm went off I really wanted to go back to bed. I always have a hard time going back to groups if I’ve missed some of them, and I don’t want it to happen again. Before I shut off the alarm, I thought about that, and about how shitty I’d feel about myself if I didn’t go. So I got up. Nevermind that I took the train the wrong direction - finding myself at Wall St. before I realized what I’d done, and was fifteen minutes late. At least I got there. Being late didn’t really matter much because most of the others were biking rather than running. (I had wrist surgery last month. I can start riding next week…. It’s time to buy a bike already.) I ran the entire loop (3.35 miles)

We’re getting married in September. The triathlon will keep me sane.

This probably would be a good place to track my progress - wedding and triathlon.

Ok then, next time, wedding.

I’m starting swimming next week for the triathlon, which isn’t until September, so that gives me some time to get moving on that too. I’ve been looking forward to training for the tri for a few months. My biggest problem will be to just get to the training sessions, and then to do one or two sessions a week on my own. The training program, if anyone happens to actually be reading this, is the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training (TNT) program, which trains novice athletes (i.e., me) to participate in endurance events (1/2 and whole marathons, 100 mi bike rides, and triathlons) in exchange for raising funds for the organization. I have to raise $3000. Yuck. On the other hand, I get amazing training (and some other treats, like a wetsuit and tax deductionf for any expenses I incur, including, for example, buying a new bike!), and I get to be a part of a really motivated and nice group of people. Anyway, that will help take the focus of eating and feeling fat and flabby. : )

Honestly, I like the new work outs.  I don’t know what to expect. It’s kind of fun. We’ll see how it goes.

Eating, obviously, is still an issue. I haven’t gotten myself back into a schedule and started planning meals. It’s the only way I feel healthy, get enough of what I need (an issue especially because I’m vegetarian.) Otherwise, I resort to junk food, snacks,  not-so-benign foraging. Restarting the blog will help me get back on track. I think the accountability helps a lot.

Not to complain, but my hand hurts. : )

I found out last week that I’m going to start a different rotation at work in two weeks where I’ll have to wear suits every day, and be in front of people all the time. As if that isn’t frightening enough, I look fat! I bought 4 new beautiful suits in January and their tight! Ohh goddd!  Well, needless to say, I actually put some decent effort into my session with Terri yesterday and got the pleasant reward of being a little sore today. I love being sore after working out.  It makes me feel like I worked hard.

I desperately want to feel slightly more comfortable in my body in two weeks than I do now. I’m not expecting a miraculous change, but a little bit of progress would be such a relief. It’s time to get back in it and get over my inertia about working out. It makes me feel so good to work out. Why don’t I do it?

I’d like get to the gym once a week by myself. That would be a big step.

Getting my butt out of bed for my session with Terri tomorrow morning wouldn’t be a bad step in the right direction either.

My pants aren’t as tight! Yay. It must be the eggs and tangerine breakfast I get as I’m scooted out the door each morning. I love that.

Terri may well be “the second most expensive trainer in New York,” but still, she’s a bargain compared to therapy, and she’s effective. I’m starting to feel genuinely better this week - a month after restarting training. I feel more motivated, now that I’m seeing some results. When I’m training with Terri, as she’s challenging, guiding and nourishing my body, subtly, my views about myself, my work, my relationships seem to be growing too.

Thanks T.

Working out has been kind of intense this week. I’m glad I’m working out tomorrow — finally I feel like I’m finally getting on track. I’m not eating so compulsively today. Maybe writing it here will help cut down on the nighttime snacking.  I’m going home next weekend — I’m so not looking forward to people seeing that I’ve gained weight. I really don’t want to play this weight cycle game all over again.

I’m looking forward to my swim class and starting to train for the triathlon. Having a goal will keep me focused and my head in the right place.

Just as bad (if that’s even possible,) I was forced to face myself when I woke up three weeks ago with such terrible back pain that I had to take muscle relaxers for a week and go to physical therapy. The physical therapy was useless, by the way.  Anyway, when I came back, I made Terri swear not to notice how fat I am.  My back still hurts, but it’s getting better. I wish I could say the same about my weight. Oh well, for now.

Possibly the most distressing aspect of all this is how much ground I’ve lost after spending a year getting into the best shape I’ve ever been in my life. Two months ago I could bang out 45 push-ups no problem. When I came back three weeks I struggled through 15. Now I’m up to 25 rough ones. The worst is that now I can’t do even one real pull-up. Before I could do 4 to 6 full pull-ups.

I suck.

At least I’m back now, and have a few goals ahead of me. That’s a good thing. What a lesson I’ve learned.

I managed to get a workout in Wednesday morning — another shocking accomplishment for me. I HATE going to the gym — not because I don’t like working out. Once I get there, I love working out (well, maybe not love.) I just really hate the part that involves the existence of are other people.  But I also like it. It’s depressing to work out alone.

Today I’ve decided (I didn’t say “I’m going to try,” which is sure failure for me) to not overeat, but to exercise some restraint and decisiveness and responsibility today. So, for breakfast I had some fruit and a Soy Boy Okara Courage Burger (130 cal, 13 g. protein). Nukitchen this morning was a scone and fruit, which I tossed because it had butter (no dairy) and eggs (pasture-raised organic only.)  Nukitchen isn’t great if you’re vegetarian. It’s hard to find choices without dairy or eggs. If I make a schedule, it’s much easier not to waffle and break down. Terri said I’ve probably grown out of Nukitchen. I think she’s right.

I’ve had fish a few times since my utah trip (i.e. the “sheep kill.” read all about it www.boss-inc.com. It’s really hard to be vegetarian if you want, for example, to be with people, so the occasional seafood feels ok at the moment.

I really want a Smart Treat Everything Chip cookie right now. they’re insanely good, notwithstanding the fact that they are vegan. Most vegan sweets are disgusting, like curried tempeh (my Nukitchen lunch today), but these are unfortunately delicious.  One small cookie has 70 cal (which would be fine if they didn’t come in a container of 6),  and the large has 210. Half a meal…. (but 6 g. of protein, woo hoo)  http://smarttreat.com/details.php?cat=2&sub=3&itm=39

And, by the way, did I mention that I did four (FOUR!!) pull-ups on Tuesday!!! FOUR!! Plus, shockingly, I worked out on my own at the gym yesterday. I hate going to the gym. Really hard to believe I dragged my ass there. And I’m even sore today. Nice.

Still, I feel like I’ve been boring/annoying the crap out of Terri lately. Well, she said, at least there’s less drama. great…. Anyway, it’s time to go bore myself to sleep. : )